One common misconception surrounding miscarriage is the belief that someone simply "loses" their baby. However, it is important to recognize the weight and significance of this loss. Miscarriage is a deeply profound and life-altering experience that can consume a person's entire being. It is not “just” the loss of a baby. The list of "losses" goes on and on.
loss of trust in one's own body
loss of relationships
loss of plans and dreams and a hesitancy for future dreams and planning
loss of an opportunity to celebrate the pregnancy
loss of the opportunity of a “worry-free” pregnancy
loss of trigger-free conversations - there is pressure when engaging in conversations with people who try to find the “positive side” of your baby dying although they might have good intentions
loss of the privilege of birthing and raising a living child
This can lead to a greater hesitancy in envisioning and pursuing future aspirations. Moreover, there is the loss of being able to casually discuss the idea of having children in the future. The list of secondary losses that accompany miscarriage is extensive and varied.
Personally, I struggled to find someone with whom I could share my experience. People tell me I can try again, but they don’t know my story and trying again is not an option for me. People also tell me that maybe it’s better that I lost the baby for various reasons. Would they say this to me if my baby died at a year? Or 15 years? I find myself in endless uncomfortable conversations. It was particularly challenging as two people close to me had also experienced the heartbreak of stillbirth. Despite not having to dismantle a nursery or give away presents from a baby shower, the emotional weight of the loss was overwhelming. My hormones were still in flux, and the depth and pain of the loss far exceeded what could be comprehended by those who have not experienced it.
If you have not personally experienced this type of loss, I urge you to approach those who have with grace and an overflow of empathy. Offer them your unwavering support and understanding. For those who have been there, who can relate to the list of loss, I'm so sorry. My hope is that we may all find healing and restoration in our individual journeys, mending the broken pieces along the way.
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